Homecoming Woes…and the Guilt

Homecoming is coming up so close, and I wish that I could say that it was coming up quickly.  But, I saw a meme on Facebook that described it perfectly.  It said something like each month averages 30 days, but the last month of deployment is 2,956 days.  That’s exactly how this month feels.  The last two months seemed to fly right by, for me, at least.  But not this one…it’s only April 11.  ONLY!  I hate it.


But as excited as I am that deployment will be over (eventually), I’m also in a state of anxiety about it.  And that, has me feeling guilty.  Because Homecoming should be a wonderful moment, right?


Don’t get me wrong, I AM excited to have my husband home soon.  I AM excited to continue our life together and not 6,000 miles apart.  [Holy f***, six-thousand miles.  Until just now, I hadn’t actually mapped it out.]  And I certainly would rather have him home than deployed, or anywhere with out me, really.  But, having been apart for so long, there’s a certain level of anxiety that I think every spouse goes through leading up to homecoming.  At least, I think, I haven’t surveyed the populous to know for sure.


People who know me and know about my husband’s deployment tell me that I “must be excited that he’s coming home soon!”  And, I am.  But I’m also nervous as hell.  We’re married, so it’s not like we have a relationship that family has.  Family is family, and family loves family no matter what.  But we made the choice to get married, and now we’ve been apart for so many months, and experienced so many different things without the other to share in the experience with.  Have we continued to grow together, despite the distance, to be in sync upon his return?  Is our trajection in life still on the same path as the other, or have we gone off-course?

Granted, this deployment has gone extremely well for us, in regards to our relationship.  I don’t think we’ve had a single argument, which is a win, especially compared to the first deployment.  Not to say that it hasn’t been frustrating for either of us, we just haven’t taken those frustrations out on each other.  But even though we are doing great together, now, I worry about life resuming.


Let’s face it, during a deployment, even though life goes on, you basically feel like you are putting your relationship on “PAUSE.”  Life has moved on around you, you have grown and changed and furthered yourself, and likewise so hasn’t he or she.  Can your relationship resume with all of the personal growth that has occurred with each of you?

This scares me, because I know that neither of us are the same as we were before he left for deployment.  This isn’t a bad thing, I think we have both grown in great ways; I just hope that we are just as compatible as before.


Then, there’s the whole anxiety about appearances.  Some of the wives from my unit have done WONDERFUL had getting healthy and working out during this deployment for both themselves and their spouses.  Me?  I wasn’t as dedicated to any set work out plan for a long time.  Near the start of my husband’s deployment, before I started working, I wasn’t doing much of anything.  Then I started to work full time, and eventually started workout classes.  I’m currently on my second course of a high intensity workout class, I work out once a week with one of the women that I work with, and I try to get my own cardio in at least once a week.  So, on a good week I am putting in 3 days to weight and core training and cardio.  As time goes on, the more committed I get to it.  I even woke up one day a few months ago with this new urge to start running!  My husband is a runner, and I want to get healthy and fit (and lean), and I want to run.  I actually haven’t run yet, because of the winter that we have had it has either been too cold or too wet for the majority of the days that I would have been able to run, but I am looking forward to starting soon.  I am fairly confident in myself and my appearance; I still have some improving to do, but I know that my husband loves my body, so I’m not too awfully worried.  Even still, maybe we’ll leave the lights off the first night back.

But, I am so excited to be able to say that my skin has finally mostly cleared up!  I’ve battled acne ever since puberty, and NOTHING seemed to resolve it completely.  Only a few months ago was my birth control changed, in conjunction with two topical prescriptions, and I have made the realization that my skin would react negatively if I consumed gluten!  So, in changing my medication, and changing my diet, my skin looks the best it has looked in years.  It’s an entirely new sensation for me when I touch my face for it to feel smooth in my hands.

Even still, I have doubts and wonder will I look good enough?  Will he still find me beautiful?  Will he like what I have had done with my hair?


There is a lot that rides on Homecoming, and it is extremely nerve-racking!


Yes, I am excited that my husband will be coming home.  But I have moments when that excitement is overruled by anxiety and worry about what’s to come AFTER Homecoming.  Will life continue to be what we thought it would be, with our plans before he left, or will life take a shift?  And will that shift be for the better, or not?


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