Good evening. It’s Monday, September 28, at 8:51pm as I sit down and write my 99th blog post. I’m pretty sure I had a better plan for this post, but after my night last night, I feel like I need the therapy that writing sometimes allows me to write about me. The good news, is that my 100th blog post is about YOU! I’ve received some great interest from other military significant others who are/will be answering some questions and writing their story, which I am compiling and will put into a post. There are some great themes that are shared across different experiences!
As many of you know, and hopefully as many of you saw, last night was the full moon, which was also the super moon, which was also a lunar eclipse and a blood moon. With all of that going on, and the affect that the moon has on our psyche, if anyone made it through the night unscathed, I tip my hat to you. I am also a photographer, and I spent last night outside shooting the moon. Check out some of my pictures…
I was a little limited with my equipment, there were no great shots of the blood moon, but it was amazing to see! I hope that you got to!
Do you think that the full moon really affects us? I think it does. I had worked in an Emergency Department, doing patient registration, and EVERYONE was extra weary when they worked on nights of the full moon. And for good reason. Nine times out of ten, on the night of the full moon, the ER was pretty non-stop with patients coming in, and sometimes the reasons went beyond your typical chest pains, abdominal pains, lacerations, and Medicaid recipients using the ER for their routine care. We would see more patients being brought in by the police, the ambulances were more frequent, and the reasons were sometimes unexpected. I can’t elaborate due to HIPPA, but they were all over the spectrum – sometimes you had to laugh, and other times you wanted to puke and go kill someone. Those were the worst ones that I had to register. I think the punishments should be pretty severe if you do inappropriate things to children.
But, I digress. The point is, that yes, I’m a believer in the effects of the full moon. And, unfortunately for me, and maybe coincidentally, I’m not sure, another kind of red moon rose yesterday. So, needless to say, but on point with my next topic, I have been hormonal all weekend. And being hormonal and lonely is a terrible mix. Fortunately, for my parents who I live with during this deployment, being hormonal didn’t mean that I was extra bitchy this time. Instead, I became more dour; I had little interest in much of anything, I became withdrawn, and it was actual difficult for me to find much to smile about. If you know me, you know that I’m a glass-half-full kind of person – I always find the silver lining to the storm cloud, and am always happy about something. So, this weekend, I wasn’t myself. I almost even gave up on viewing and photographing the moon, but fortunately decided to throw myself into it.
Every night when I climb into bed, I write a letter to my husband. Last night, as I was writing his letter, it all of a sudden hit me how much I miss him. I miss him every day that he’s away, but I keep my mind on the homecoming, and sending him care packages, and on my own hobbies, that I can say up until last night, I’ve been strong. I haven’t cried, I haven’t had a break down… but it’s only a matter of time for any MILSO before we do. And last night, when my stomach started to knot because of the flood of emotions that were surfacing, I knew that last night was my night to release.
As I lay in bed, and closed the notebook that I had just written my husband’s letter in, and shut down Netflix, I bawled. It didn’t last long, it was over within 5 minutes, but it was that cry that takes you over physically: as fat tears welled up in my eyes, my entire body tensed as I clenched onto my comforter, and I think I even drooled a little between my sobs. I never claimed that I was pretty when I sobbed, and I’m not about to. Not long after, I drifted off to sleep. But I wanted nothing more than to talk to my husband, and I was both saddened and angered that I can’t just dial him anytime I need to. I think, for me, that’s the number 1 fact about deployment that angers me the most. Number 2 is the lonely bed.
Being hormonal and lonely are terrible things to mix together, and unfortunately, possibly because of all of the lunar activity last night, I got the full brunt of both all at once. Even though we may not like to admit it to ourselves, we have moments of emotional vulnerability. We get sad – and it’s not always onset by hormones. We miss the one that we love. Life is different without them around, and most of the time we don’t like it. Even though I find enjoyment in my own hobbies, I’d much rather come home to my husband every night than not. But, I keep plugging through, accepting my emotions as they arise, as I keep looking forward to homecoming.