First Rough Night

My husband has been gone for a while now.  Most days I’ve been OK; either I stay busy, or recently I had a small surgical procedure to remove a questionable mole between two toes which has kept me preoccupied with caring for the incision.  Also, fortunately, I’ve been able to sleep a lot.  It’s been ages since I’ve been able to consistently sleep in in the mornings, and I absolutely love it!  But last night, was my first rough night of the deployment.

Admittedly, some days I do have just downright mopey days.  I miss my husband every day, but I’ve been able to get through it.  Last night, I missed him terribly.  I missed everything about being together, and living together.  Not to help, but I also watched the season 6 finale of Heartland (if you also love horses, and feel-good family stories, I recommend looking this one up on Netflix).  And, of course, the season did not end on a completely happy note.  So, of course, it was a tear-jerker ending.  And every sad, depressive emotion in me regarding this deployment surfaced.

Fortunately, from where my husband currently is, he has been able to text and call me daily – a habit I know I shouldn’t be getting used to, because communication will be more sporadic in the future.  But I had gotten reliant on the comfort of hearing his ringtone, followed by his voice, every night.  And last night, due to his training exercises, he was unable to call me; and the text messages yesterday and today were infrequent and minimal.  I didn’t handle this change in our routine very well.  Well, I say “didn’t handle [it] very well”, but I was only sad and cried…so I actually handled it pretty well.

I think as military significant others, we think we need to get through the tough times without breaking down.  Like there’s some kind of competition and prize for not getting sad or crying by the end of the deployment.  There is no competition.  And, most importantly, there is no prize.  Deployment will only be harder on you both if you do not accept all of your feelings as they come up.

So, last night was the first night that kind of shook up my world, and reminded me that my husband will be going overseas and will not be able to talk to me daily.  I still wake up most mornings expecting to wake up next to my husband, and of course and immediately reminded and saddened when I roll over and see the empty side of the bed.  It’s an adjustment, and each person adjusts to their new routines at different paces.  Last deployment, it took me about a month to find my routine while my husband was deployed.  Since my husband is still state-side, it’s difficult to settle into a deployment-routine.  I know, that in time, and with enough to do, that I will find my routine, get used to and expect to wake up alone, that I will adjust to this deployment.  I’ll still have some rough days and some rough nights, but any communication that my husband and I have, we will always be trying to support each other as we get through this, and count down the days until we’re in each others arms again.

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