Even before the episode a couple of weeks ago of Army Wives where we learned that Jeremy was killed in action, I’ve been having this feeling of dread. Like I’m afraid to look out my window, for fear that I’ll see the black car pulling in the driveway, occupied by Casualty Notification. I have this fear, and then Army Wives goes and incorporates this into their episodes.
It’s quite possibly the biggest fear of any military spouse or parent. So I know I’m not crazy for having this fear, given the situation it’s quite rational. However, I know how life is, with its ironies, coincidences, that I’m afraid if I don’t feel/do something, the worst thing will happen. It may just be the obsessive-compulsive in me (like when people need to flick a light-switch on and off multiple times, or else they are overwhelmed with debilitating feelings of doom). If I’m not constantly checking the window, even though I’m afraid of the possibility of seeing a black car roll up the driveway, I feel like that car WILL be pulling in, with terrible news. I also feel like it will happen if I’m not hyper-aware of the possibility.
So, I’m constantly in a state of fear, dread, and doom. Work preoccupies my mind while I’m there, so I’m not thinking about the ways my husband could die. [I really hate to think about it, much less type it out. But it is a bitter reality of what could happen, as much as I DON’T want it t. Can you believe there are wives out there who don’t care if their husbands make it home from deployment alive or not? Repulsive!] And I think once I get more into my photography, that will keep my mind preoccupied as well. But it’s still hard, the times I’m alone with nothing to do, to not stew in worry. But ever since my husband’s R&R, I’m so hyper-aware of how long it’s been between phone calls, when before I didn’t keep track of days. And every day that goes by now, I’m left wondering “what if…”
I feel bad that I don’t really have any advice for this post, and that it’s all about my fears that I’m sure are shared among many military wives. I don’t want to perpetuate the fears of others, but at the same time, I need to get this out of me.
My thoughts are with you all who have spouses and loved ones deployed. I hope you’re loved one is safe, and that you hear from him/her soon. But all the reassuring in the world, I know, doesn’t ease the worry. I just hope you find ways to cope with it, and don’t let it consume you.