Dread…

Even before the episode a couple of weeks ago of Army Wives where we learned that Jeremy was killed in action, I’ve been having this feeling of dread.  Like I’m afraid to look out my window, for fear that I’ll see the black car pulling in the driveway, occupied by Casualty Notification.  I have this fear, and then Army Wives goes and incorporates this into their episodes.

 

It’s quite possibly the biggest fear of any military spouse or parent.  So I know I’m not crazy for having this fear, given the situation it’s quite rational.  However, I know how life is, with its ironies, coincidences, that I’m afraid if I don’t feel/do something, the worst thing will happen.  It may just be the obsessive-compulsive in me (like when people need to flick a light-switch on and off multiple times, or else they are overwhelmed with debilitating feelings of doom).  If I’m not constantly checking the window, even though I’m afraid of the possibility of seeing a black car roll up the driveway, I feel like that car WILL be pulling in, with terrible news.  I also feel like it will happen if I’m not hyper-aware of the possibility.

 

So, I’m constantly in a state of fear, dread, and doom.  Work preoccupies my mind while I’m there, so I’m not thinking about the ways my husband could die.  [I really hate to think about it, much less type it out.  But it is a bitter reality of what could happen, as much as I DON’T want it t.  Can you believe there are wives out there who don’t care if their husbands make it home from deployment alive or not?  Repulsive!]  And I think once I get more into my photography, that will keep my mind preoccupied as well.  But it’s still hard, the times I’m alone with nothing to do, to not stew in worry.  But ever since my husband’s R&R, I’m so hyper-aware of how long it’s been between phone calls, when before I didn’t keep track of days.  And every day that goes by now, I’m left wondering “what if…”

 

I feel bad that I don’t really have any advice for this post, and that it’s all about my fears that I’m sure are shared among many military wives.  I don’t want to perpetuate the fears of others, but at the same time, I need to get this out of me.

 

My thoughts are with you all who have spouses and loved ones deployed.  I hope you’re loved one is safe, and that you hear from him/her soon.  But all the reassuring in the world, I know, doesn’t ease the worry.  I just hope you find ways to cope with it, and don’t let it consume you.

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6 thoughts on “Dread…

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  1. I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. I hope the rest of this deployment moves more quickly for you and that you are able to find some peace from the anxiety as it goes on.

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  2. You are not alone in this. My husband has yet to go through a deployment (but he surely will within the next year), and these same thoughts are constantly in the back of my mind. My husband is in the infantry, which means busting down doors and front lines. I absolutely DREAD his upcoming deployment, because I know I will have that same need to look out the window, and the constant “what if..” in my mind. I will be praying for you and your husband. Just know that you are not alone.

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    1. Thank you so much. You and your husband are in my thoughts as well. I hope your time together pre-deployment goes smoothly – it can get very difficult with the stress, worries, and fears that mount up for both of you during that time. Try to relax, enjoy the time you have together, and look forward to all the time and things you’ll do once he returns. If I could go back, and tell myself to lighten up a lot, I would.

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      1. Thank you for the advice. It is something I struggle with constantly. I know that there is nothing that I can do to control his deployment, so I try to tell myself to just “not worry about things I can’t change.” But it isn’t that simple. Reading your blog made me realize that I’m not alone in my worrying (even though it is very premature). Thank you for your kind words.

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      2. You’re welcome. And if you’re any bit the control-freak that I am, it’s hard not to worry about the things you can’t change. Haha. Pre-deployment, especially the last few months, were terrible for me. I thought I was losing my mind, I had panic attacks… for me, therapy helped. But finding something to focus on, preoccupy your mind, and learning how to relax, breathe, and enjoy the time you have together instead of worrying that it’s not going according to your plan, helps. All things I wish I could have changed. We’ll all have our bad days, have the fights we don’t mean to have, but if you can rack up more good, fun days than miserable ones, you’ll be that much stronger for and during deployment. If you can leave each other knowing how much you love each other, trust each other, it makes you both that much stronger and deployment will be much easier then. I find the couples that DON’T have that, are less happy (who really is 100% happy during deployment?), and have more troubles with each other, which neither spouse needs. The first part of deployment was easier for us, because my husband and I had this understanding, and were able to get through, day to day, easier. Granted we’d both have our down days, but they were less frequent. I found deployment much easier than predeployment – it’s like when you’re preparing to jump into a lake or pool you know is kind of cold, the anticipation is the worst, then you jump, and there’s the initial shock, but you adjust to it. I’ll admit, it’s been a little more difficult getting BACK to my frame of mind since R&R.

        And I don’t know…it’s impossible NOT to worry about what you can’t change…so I’d say it’s easier to learn to accept what you can’t change, even though you’ll never stop worrying about it; you can’t deny the possibilities, just hope for the best.

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