Well, aside from all of my better intentions, and all of our “good” days, today, the shit hit the fan, so to say. Yesterday was spent trying to get our ducks in a row for deployment – making a timeline of everything that needs to be done before my husband leaves, and so on. And today, the stress of everything we tried to avoid yesterday, exploded today.
When we get stressed, we both get short, and unfortunately, because we’re living together, it comes out as being directed towards each other. My husband does a better job at keep it in, although his attitude and mood would say otherwise. He gets snippy, but doesn’t address the issue. As for myself, everything bothers me, I get resentful, and anything that I was ever mad about in the four years we’ve been together, comes out. Yes, maybe because I have X chromosomes, and “that’s what women do,” but anything will annoy and upset me. And to top it off, ever since yesterday, I have not been feeling well. I think it’s seasonal – I have a yucky throat, I’m tired, and I woke up at 2am when my husband got home from work with my stomach feeling like I had been spinning around in circles for the past 4 hours that I was sleeping. [No, before anyone jumps to conclusions, I am not pregnant. I feel like, as a woman, there should be a disclaimer put after every time a woman says she isn’t feeling well, because there’s always the one’s who jump to that conclusion, like it’s impossible for a woman to have allergies, a cold, flu, or anything else.] Today, at least the nausea was gone, but my head still feels clogged, and my throat feels disgusting.
Needless to say, my head felt like crap; my feelings felt like crap (knowing my husband will be leaving); my energy doesn’t know where to be – I want to do things, but my body says it’s going to be a sloth today; and I’m just in a cranky mood I can’t shake. So, today I am not up to doing favors, and I got mad at my husband for things that are out of his control. So after we had our spat, I immediately felt guilty on top of everything.
Today is not a good day to be Kristel.
We talked it out calmly, and understand we’re both stressed and upset by deployment, unhappy with our location, and just want to move on with our lives – be in a permanent location, be able to secure long-term jobs, have a house. All things that I had expected to be accomplishing and doing at this point in my life, in our life together. To be a couple… While I love being married, I love my husband, and I wouldn’t choose life without him over this life with him, because of the military, it feels like, at times, that we’re not married. Our lives are so separate in ways they have to be, that it’s like instead of functioning fluidly as a couple, we still function independently. Like we’re still single, if that makes sense. My heart and my love are with my husband, and I am not implying otherwise, but for the time he’s deployed, I essentially won’t have a husband. He won’t be here. I won’t have my rock…my soul mate. I have every intention of honoring every oath and claim and promise made to each other, but I’ll be making all of my decisions without him…at least all of the ones that need to be made in the time before I can talk to him again.
[Oh my god…I knew this, but never really actually thought about it…I won’t be talking to my husband every day. There may even be weeks if there are communication black-outs between when I’ll hear from my husband. I don’t think I’m ready for that.]
Sorry to go off on a tangent…this deployment thing is really scaring me. And I think any spouse that is about to say “good-bye” to their husbands or wives (I say good-bye is better than “farewell”, and I never really cared for “see ya!”), who isn’t AT ALL effected by their spouse leaving for a lengthy time like this for a deployment, is either on some really good medication and needs to tell me what it is, or they do not love their service member. [I thought about listing denial, but I think of being in denial as being effected, it’s a response, which isn’t the same as no response at all].
But days like today are the days that scare me, the days I do not want. I do not want our time left tainted by negative emotions, by hurt words, and tears. So I am hoping that the rest of our time before deployment is more enjoyable. Keep your fingers crossed for us!