No, the Capt’n isn’t military slang. It’s Captain Morgan…the rum.
Simply put, it’s been rough.
My husband left a couple of weeks ago for some pre-deployment training. While he was gone for training, I went home to my home state to be with my parents, since my husband would be joining me only a couple of weeks later, so we can start his block leave together. So, after being together again, daily, since late August of last year, this was our first long-term, kinda, separation. And for the most part, honestly, I did not handle it too well.
On my second or third day home, I was all emotions. By evening, everything made me anxious, or cry. I don’t even remember how many times my mother watched me break down into sobs over stupid things. Part of it, I think, was still being over tired from three (maybe) hours of sleep, before getting in my car the day my husband left for training, and driving almost 8 hours just to the state line of my home state, and being awake for almost 24 hours before finally getting home, unpacking a little, and unwinding enough to fall asleep. But on top of that, this was the first taste of being home while my husband is away…that once he deploys, I will be back here, without him, or a full year (give or take). And I didn’t like it.
After that, I’ve been keeping busy – helping my parents out where I can, getting together with friends a few nights, and just trying to relax.
I won’t see my husband until Wednesday. Talking on the phone the past couple nights was stressful and regrettable.
Not too long ago he got back from training, which was stressful for him. Hearing him use more swear words on the phone than normal (which is rarely any) was a good hint that he was getting stressed there, and compounding that with Block Leave – his last vacation to his home state, home town, to try to see as many people as possible before deployment, just has him all wound up. And neither of us knowing how to deal with this, not knowing what will happen, and anticipating the fact that this may be his last trip home…ever…has us both full of emotions we don’t know what to do with, how to manage, and how to stay pleasant with each other all of the time.
I thought I was doing OK today…well, OK for me, OK for pre-deployment. Until I talked to him on the phone tonight. I think we’re so caught up in our own heads, that we are misconstruing what each other is trying to say. Plus, I know he is so over-tired tonight, too. But I know that I just miss him so much, and cannot wait to set eyes on him, to hold him, to know he’s with me, he’s mine. And in our talks of Block Leave, all he wants to do, I get this image in my head. And it’s somehow a watercolor painting. But if you imagine a man wearing the Army Greens, the Class A Uniforms, slightly side-profiled, running from right to left, with a petite brunette woman in tow, hand in hand, wearing a red flowy dress, swept up in the breeze behind him, feet off the ground…that’s how I feel about this Block Leave. I understand it’s all about him, him being happy, him being able to see everyone he wants to see while he’s home, because it’s his last time before deployment…but I feel like I’m just the kite, along for the ride.
This is kind of distressing to me. Because while I know this is HIS vacation, in a way, it is also OUR last vacation home, together. And I am all about the together, the team, the husband and wife dynamic. Yes, this is about him, but I don’t want to be forgotten, like I’m just tagging along for the ride, and he could care less about spending time with me, about me being there.
So, while on the phone tonight, it got tense, then I got mad at myself for feeling like I did. Then I got extremely sad, because we just don’t know what will happen, so, yes, we are kind of treating this like his LAST trip home. And I want everything to be perfect, so that if we cannot do this again, I will at least have all good memories of our last vacation home together. Of our last time in our home state. And I sobbed, uncontrollably, on the phone with him for a few minutes. I only muttered out one “I’m sorry” in my sobs, but I wanted to say it over and over and over again, because I do not want to be like this to bring down his time at home. But I couldn’t stop…I was unbelievably sad. Then he felt bad, like he had addressed something the wrong way, and that’s not at all it. I mean, what IS the right way to address pre-deployment talk? Neither of us have ever gone through this before, and I don’t know how to prepare to say goodbye to someone I love and admire so dearly. Sometimes I can’t get past how much I don’t like it, and how much deployment scares me, that I can’t feign a smile and be happy, and pretend it’s all OK.
So, I’m sitting here in bed now, at quarter past 11, with half a glass remaining of my favorite drink – cranberry juice and Capt’n Morgan. I just needed something tonight, something to take the edge off of my emotions. I felt like I could have laid in bed and cried all night. Cried for what could be, what may hopefully never be, and for everything I’ll be saying “good-bye” to for somewheres around 365 days, and hopefully not forever.
I don’t know how military spouses, who are with their service members because of true love, get through deployments…but I guess that’s it, we just get through them the best that we can.