[This entry was originally published by me on Feb. 11, 2010 through Blogger.]
Have you ever been in love?
I mean truly, truly in love? Where you’re not completely happy if the person you care about isn’t happy? When you can’t fathom how much you could actually do for someone, because your actions know no bounds? Do you want to spend your, or their, entire life trying to show them just how much you love them? Do you still get butterflies? When you’re in trouble, are they the only person you want to help or protect you? Can no one else simply match the standard they have set for you?
I believe that for every person, there is a soul mate. There is that one person who completes you more than you knew you needed completion. They complement your life so easily.
I believe that I have met and married my soul mate. And as an Army Wife, this is both a wonderful, and very scary thing to know.
My husband is my everything.
I have dated before meeting him, and I have even told previous boyfriends I loved them. I believe it was never a lie when I said it; I truly meant it as honestly as I could at the time. I believe you can love many different people, and that there are many different kinds of love. The love of a soul mate is almost indescribable, sometimes I am at a loss for words, and sometimes I do not feel like there are words that can truly compare to how I feel. Unless we are truly, truly lucky to find our soul mates first, we do have to experience different forms of love for another person. In that sense, it only helps us to fully comprehend what we have found.
But, as an Army Wife, there is always the fear of what could happen during deployment. Especially deployment to an area active with weaponry and attacks. I try not to think about these things, but it is difficult not to sometimes. I often wonder if it’s better that I block out the possibilities altogether, and naively believe that yes, my husband will come home to me just as he left me, or if I should consider and accept every possible outcome, so I can in some way trick myself into being ready for whatever may happen; good or bad.
As hard as I try not to, I do roll around the thought in my head, “What if he doesn’t come home?” I do not like it when I think about this, and I curse my mind of letting the thought surface to my conscious thoughts. I do not think this is something that women of civilian husbands think about as often; unless of course your civilian husband, or wife for any matter, is in a life-threatening job, or has an extreme hobby. But, especially as a military spouse, I think this is something we all think about, but try not to.
I have come to the conclusion that, if I should lose my husband, I do not think that I would date again. Not for many years. Nor do I think I would even be datable for a long while; can you imagine the emotional baggage I would carry? How do you cope with the loss of your soul mate? And how can any man thereafter meet your standards?
Love is a very difficult emotion. Everybody has different thresholds for how much they can love, how much that they can allow another person to love them. And everybody exhibits love in different forms.
Love is its own language, and everyone speaks it differently. It took me a couple of years to understand how my husband was telling me he loves me. He is not a speaker of the words, unless I say it first. He rarely cuddles. For a long time I focused on how he WASN’T telling or showing me he loves me, instead of listening and observing the ways he does.
Being in love does NOT mean being happy, or happy with each other, all of the time, either. Love isn’t perfect in that way. But it is perfect in that through good days, bad days, saying the right thing, and saying things you wish you could take back, being there or showing up late; through it all, you wouldn’t want to experience it with anybody else.
If you are in love, in any form, I hope you are honestly in love with whoever it is you are in love with. And if you have found your soul mate, I would like to congratulate you for sticking through everything together, because I know it can get hard.
If you are single, or not in love, do not despair. I have known too many people who have yearned and therefore actively sought someone to fill the void; someone for whom they can transmit their pent-up love for. From experience, and stories of people in some of the best relationships I know, love truly does happen when you least expect it. It’s a feeling, unlike some, that cannot be forced. For then, it is not even HONEST love, but forced and trick of the mind. Also, if you are actively seeking it, you may miss it.
It’s like that dim star in the sky; when you look directly at it, you cannot see it. But if you look away, you see it perfectly.
*Photo by Kristina O’Brien, 2009.